In The House Of Secrets [entries|friends|calendar] Miss Elyse [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

And it wasn't my mistake [13 Mar 2006|12:23am] [ mood | calm ] You linger on your faults with me And it wasn't my mistake Creating different stories in your head Replaying it over and over again And it wasn't my mistake I was loyal by your side I never would begin to stray One who would cry through the lies And it wasn't my mistake The abandonment was all yours I would have stayed to the very end Love you through the pain Remain for evermore But it wasn't my mistake The end has come and past I don't think of it more You dwell upon your slips The one you drove away I'll never fly your way Because it wasn't MY mistake. 2 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

You're Disaster, This is Gorgeous, and I Need a Lifejacket. [10 Mar 2006|01:54am] [ mood | nervous ] Should the lyrics strewn across my shoes be pointing me in a direction? Have I lost myself in the chemical, emotional, chemistry between the two of us? Or is it fake? A facad to make me feel like everything is well, I could be falling and this could be a facad. You're disaster. I am caught up in the two of us, in our magnetism, how you draw me in such a way no one else has. Standing close even lifts me up. If I fall will you be there to catch me, and if you aren't am I willing to break the bones in the wreckage? This is soon, and this is new, and this is gorgeous. You're entrapped me in a way no one ever has. I'm left curious and wondering, always. With the silence between us I wonder if I will ever have something to say to you. Something more then a lame joke and a story of ducks. I'm intrigued, I'm drawn in, and I'm caught in a fast moving river. I want to know if I can wait and know that you will be thinking of me. I want to know that you will make sure I will have a great time next week. I want to know you'll remember our plans. I want to know if all you have said is the facad I am dreading so much, or if you're there already and I'm unsure of where I stand. With broken engagements and plans up in the air I don't know what to think. How to look at this. I've plummeted fast, and far. I'm lost and in the dark. I'm unsure and scared. I want know, I need to know, I don't want to let this happen again. Can I take this chance, and will you be worth it?... Sure, after a night of porn and chinese food, why wouldn't you be worth it? 1 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

High School Dating vs. College Dating [02 Mar 2006|01:38am] [ mood | blah ] In the beginning I liked this new concept of just dating. Of the non-exclusitivity of it all. And now I realize why I liked that... I don't anymore. There is something about me, and something about high school dating, that appeals to me. Synopsis of High School dating: Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. They talk in whatever class they have together, realize common ground, flirt a little bit, and after developing 'crushes' on each other proceed to the dating experience. They know each other, they like each other, and they have a nice comfortable area between each other. Knowing someone before they get physical with each other. Synopsis of College Dating: Man meets woman. Woman meets man. They decide to go on a date based on the fact that they are physically attracted to each other. Talk on date. And inevitably expect something physical between each other to develop almost instantaneously. I personally prefer to know someone rather well before I get physical with them. Perhaps I'm not quite comfortable with *other* people just yet, but I also think this is something I will never fall into. I don't care if its 'hanging out', I don't care if its a 'date'. Whatever term someone wants to coin something fine. But unless I know someone decently well then I will not feel comfortable on any physical intimacy level. I miss the idea of high school dating, knowing that I have a crush on the person I am spending time with, the nice developing chemistry between two people. I may be considered a prude, but that is something I am ok with. As a person if someone doesn't want to accept the fact that I don't want to be touched until I am comfortable in my enviroment with them then I want nothing to do with the person anyways. I like being in control of where the physicality of a 'non-exclusive' "relationship" is going. Perhaps I'm just being sentimental of the past, and perhaps this tendency will be my demise in an attempt to find someone to eventually fall in love with, but for now, I'd rather be comfortable then physically irritated. 1 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

Tonight it's "It can't get much worse" vs. "No one should ever feel like..." [29 Jan 2006|11:59pm] [ mood | sad ] If you really care to know this lonesome feeling inside will not subside. This day has been a day of sadness. I don't even think he remembers. I also am sick of people walking circles around me instead of telling me what they want to say bluntly. I am not made of glass, I really prefer things to be blunt. To know he has moved along gives me a feeling inside I've never felt before. It isn't jealousy...it's a feeling of acceptance I think. It is a time where I just need to remember and not grasp to something that no longer exsists. It saddens me to have no one to run to when I need to cry. And it tears me apart knowing that I really cannot look at this in a positive light. A year ago I was in love, I was getting paid much more then I am now, and I was happy. I don't want to have to leave Hinkle. I love all of the employees there and I really enjoy it. But yesterday the blatent truth was thrown at me. Apparently the 6 month evaluation is after you take the fun expert test, so when I thougth I would be getting a raise in a month that really meant five. Then the main manager says he can give me more hours in March...and at that moment I realized my time is worth so much more then $5.25 an hour, and I just wanted to break down right there. I miss love. I miss the idea of love and I miss being loved. I need to find myself again. I look at myself in the mirror and see this blank canvas. Whatever happened to my creativity? Did I throw it out for long locks to save me from playing another male part in a play or did it leave when I decided to trade in my commando boots for high heels? Some days I just need a boost to get me going. I am never relating to anyone, I'm never understood anymore. I need a change. "Please could you stay awhile to share my grief? For its such a lovely day To have to always feel this way" 5 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

Days like these make Hinkle tolerable. [21 Jan 2006|01:36am] [ mood | amused ] o there happened to be a few very priceless moments that happened at work today that I feel need to be documented. A. A girl I work with named Verionica and I were standing around eating Sweethearts and Gobstoppers. We never really han gout at work, she usually works day shifts and whne she does work nights her best freind, Virginia, is usually there. Virgina got off early today so we were standing there doing nothing. Well, directly across from us happens to be the 'photo booth' Hinkle has. And inside the 'photo booth' happens to be a couple making out. The conversation goes as follows: V: "I hate stuff like that." E: "Me too, people just don't know what's inapropriate." V: "Dude, I should throw a Gobstopper at them." E: "That would be so awesome, you should do it." V: "Dare me?" E: "Yea." So she turns around and chucks this Gobstopper at these guests...she ducks under the counter and I run into the back laughing my ass off. We laughed for a good 3 minutes before we got back up and went "back to work." Unfortunately she missed them, but it was hilarious nonetheless. B. A friend of mine at work, Candice and I, decide sitting on the floor of redemption holding things totally makes us look like we are doing something. I was "Putting up tickets" and she was "restocking licorice". Killed 10 minutes. C. While we were cleaning gameroom today I went to look under the air hockey table. What I found I never expected. A thong. I found a thong under the air hockey table. E: "Hey Candice...you're never going to believe what is under the air hockey table." C: "What?" E: "It's a thong." C: "What?! Hey Veronica, come look at what's under the air hockey table!" So...I had to put on gloves and pick it up. It was by far the oddest thing that I've ever found in the gameroom. What could be considered even more odd was Veronica's suggestion that we put it in a plastic bag and stick it in the lost and found. D. Finally...James and I becoming so bored that during close we wore Dixie cups on our heads as hats. They looked a lot like Aladdin's hat actually. Pointless and stupid, yes. Easy, no. I closed wearing a dixie cup on my head. And these are the pointless things that happen at work that making working at Hinkle really worth it. 2 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

For Posterity...and your viewing pleasure [20 Jan 2006|01:55pm] [ mood | artistic ] I have completed my first week of my second semester in college. I like my classes...well less fond of Math121. But the rest of my classes are great. -Math 121, enough said -English 102 with the same Grad student I had it with last semester (I really like her, shes fun). -Philosophy 156 which is a decent class. Our teacher makes jokes about how our textbook was written by canadians and my class has well over-analyzed the first chapter already. I had to argue with a girl about why the statement on the board wasn't a sound statement. Jeeze. -Art Studio 106 which is fun. I have it with Mike, and two people I was best friends with in elementary and middle school. You know, the friends that changed so much during high school you didn't talk to them. Its a lot of fun, we all get along really well. The only downer is the class is from 2:00-4:45. Ok, that is a lot of drawing. Like...more drawing then I actually care to do. -Theatre 120. Great class. I really like everyone in there. Except...there's a 40 something man in there who is exactly like Will. Only this one is a History major, so he killed my lack of enthusiasm to do a Pirate improv by dousing us with riddiculous pirate history. I'd really prefer my pirate name to be "Peg Leg Pete", not something biblical. So that is my schedule, and I enjoy it. I enjoy no random breaks in the middle, which only frustrated me last semester. I can eat my lunch going to art, and most fo the time I get out of at least one class early so Mike and I run around with nothing to do. There is a lack of attractive people in my classes...and those that are attractive appear to play sports. I'm going to get back to my PILE OF MATH 121 ASSIGNMENTS! 1 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

If only I knew [12 Jan 2006|02:41am] [ mood | awake ] If I only knew that would be the last time I would ever see him I would have kissed him like I meant it. I would have pulled him close and said, "You wil always mean the world to me, nothing will ever replace you." But instead I kissed him on the cheek, I hopped out of his truck and muttered, "I have to go to work, I'll see you later." I don't know that I have ever been this miserable, or should I say, this "emo" in my life. Just knowing that he can't be my friend because of all we have been through just kills me inside. Right now everything I look at reminds me of him. My lucky bamboo we bought at the Flea market, my fish 'Peaches' which was a purchase made when I decided I wanted a pet. The wolf scratchboard on the wall he loved, this whole room. I haven't been sleeping for the past week. At least, sleeping at night. I've been doing ok until tonight, when the whole attempt at friendship went up in flames, the most I can say is at least they weren't arguementative flames. Maybe I'm not as steady on my feet as I thought I was. I am, quite possibly, the most shrew woman in the world to court. God school needs to start now because it was the only thing keeping my mind off of this. I can't say that I don't trust Aphrodite and Eros, but some days I wonder why they haven't delivered me someone to be with. I wish I could sleep. 1 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

Sw337 [09 Jan 2006|01:24am] We ALL need one of these http://www.megagear.com/product_p/mt%2008-1001.htm 1 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

Good things > bad things [06 Jan 2006|01:22am] Waking up at 1:30pm + Waking up to nothing to do - Having cheezy popcorn for breakfast + Being reminded that I am alone -- Going to an art opening ++ Seeing a piece I REALLY love +++ Realizing there isn't a print avaliable for that piece -- Eating at P.F. Changs and laughing about the waiter making a Union joke directed at my sister that went completely over her head +++ Making 'in bed' references to our fortunes + MAKING CHOCOLATE PRETZELS! ++ Coming home to Spirited Away AND Princess Mononoke on TV +++ I made chocolate pretzels today! I made a lot of them too. And shaped chocolate. I have bears, flowers, and seashells. yay. The art opening was for a classmate of my mom's. She was really cool, and it was a fun place. I enjoyed myself, aside from the creepy gross 20 something guys stalking my sister and I, it was fun. Oohh, Princess Mononoke is on, later. 2 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

January is only filled with depression. [05 Jan 2006|12:33am] [ mood | discontent ] Last night, around five in the morning, I gave up my intent to sleep that night. As I was lying there thinking about the past year I remembered how all of the little squabbles a past flame and I had had resulted in him saying, "I never want to talk to you again," and inevitably he'd call in a week or two and apologize. I realize now this is not how this one will result. I will more than likely never talk to a boy that meant the world to me, when boys did. I still remain, a shell of a girl hollowed out to hide the mentality of a 21 year old woman unsure of the next step required to successfully fufill herself. I feel I need to expand my boundaries out much farther then they have been recently. Confined to my tight bubble of judgement and decay I've thrown out ideas of new people and relationships. January will be a cursed month this year. This year to come will hopefully bring quantities of mythical romatic love and parties with people I truly enjoy being around, and those people are hard pressed to find. The 29th will present hell in the form of past anniversaries. 3 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

So this is the New Year... [01 Jan 2006|04:20am] [ mood | happy ] So here it is, 4 in the morning and two glasses of red wine later. It's been an extremely odd day that I don't really care to elaborate on. However, all in all I'd say it was a good day. I still wish I had someone to kiss, but I had two managers and a tech. How many people can say THAT? I mean come on. I have a good feeling about this year. Hopefully it will be better then the last. And now, my fortune, as told by Zoltar: "You may be riding the winds of change. Things may at times seem to be out of touch. Soon they will come down to a better order. As the blessings of health and fortune have a beginning, so they must also find an end. Everything rises but to fall. To make sense of all of this, you will find the answer is to be found in how well you relate to people. Looking at the bug picture will help shape your long range plans. If things are not always smooth remember that he who could forsee affairs but three days in advance would be rich for thousands of years." Thank you, Zoltar. Now here is the lyrics that I post every damn year, because it's the way of the world. Don't even take a breath The air is cut with cyanide In honor of the New Year The press gives us cause to celebrate The air raid sirens Flood barbed wire skylines With artificial night, As we sleep to burn the red From our bloodless eyes. Tonight we're all time bombs on fault lines Have we lost everything now? Walking like each other's ghosts Around these silent streets The sedatives tell you everything is alright Like calendars dying At New Year's Eve parties As we kiss hard on the lips And swear this year Will be better then the last Jet Black - the ink that spells your name Jet Black - The blood that's in your veins Jet Black We say, "How long can we take this chance not to celebrate?" There's music playing Though we dance to the beat Of our own black hearts And draw diagrams Of suicide on each other's wrists Then trace them with razorblades Fire to flames "Strike Match." Burn these words from our lips As 'The Dagger' screams "Love is dead" and it's a "newspaper tragedy," Have we lost what we love? Have we said everything? Does it change anything? Stare at the clock Avoid at all costs, This emptiness. Have we lost everything now? Walking like each other's ghosts Around these silent streets the sedatives tell you everything is alright Like calendars dying at New Year's Eve parties As we kiss hard on the lips and swear this year will be better then the last Have we lost everything now? Walking like each other's ghosts Around these silent streets The sedatives tell you everything is alright Like calendars dying at New Year's Eve parties So we kiss hard on the lips and we swear that this year… this year Ten seconds left until midnight nine chances to drown ourselves in black hair dye eight faces turned away from the shock seven windows and six of them were locked five stories falling forever and ever three cheers to the mirror now there are two of us can we have one last dance? Jet Black - the ink that spells your name Jet Black - The blood that's in your veins Jet Black We say, "How long can we take this chance not to celebrate?" "Red red wine..." 1 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

Of drunk employees and floods [27 Dec 2005|12:19am] [ mood | contemplative ] My room flooded a couple of days ago, abandoning me to the living room couch for three nights in a row. Now that my room is pieced back together, the den no longer feels like a tropical jungle, and my carpet no longer reaks of mold, I will type about nothingness in a fashion I feel appropriate for the hour. Christmas was a short day, the entireity spent playing Kingdom Hearts. You all may say "uh huh" and figure I did something else as well. This is false, I spent 14 hours straight, from the time I woke up, to the time I slept, playing Kingdom Hearts. And I'm not even half way through yet. Today was an interesting day at Hinkle Family Fun Center. I spent most of hanging around with my coworker, Justin, just shooting the shit, you know? Then...hah...two of my other fellow employees came in with free passes. I was ringing up two girls for drinks at the counter when one of them, Derek, runs by me and says "Hey Elyse, I gotta pee, talk to Troy," and runs to the restroom. Troy, following not far behind him, walks around the counter as I am filling up these two girls drinks and hugs me from behind. "HI ELYSE!" It was an odd experience, especially coming from Troy. Then he whispers in my ear, "Don't tell anyone, but Derek and I are drunk." Suddenly everything's explained. They then get two more employee passes and walk away. Five minutes later Rick came and told me Derek and Troy were sitting outside. So I went outside and got to talk to two of my very drunk coworkers. Good times. And then as they are leaving, Troy says, "Don't tell anyone, just remember, I'm your boss." And indeed...he is. I love drunk guys. There's something about the way a drunk guy hugs a girl thats just so different. Its like they know they can hold a girl in a way they couldn't get away with any other time. It's a gentle embrace that holds so much securty. It's a nice feeling. It holds this sense of need, a sense of care, and a sense of desire, for just those few seconds. Something about that. So new years. Now I no longer have to worry about my plans, which were non-exsistent in the first place. I don't have any friends anyways. Now, I'm WORKING! I'm working, and at least I have that. I still lack someone to kiss, and I still lack a desire to go into this new year alone, but at least I have...my lite brite. And that's all that matters. Emily is almost home! 3 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

2005 [22 Dec 2005|11:44pm] 1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Went to college? 2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Didn't keep any, my resolution is to move out. 3. Did anyone close to you give birth? ANDREA DID! 4. Did anyone close to you die? No 5. What countries did you visit? None 6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? Freedom and LOVE 7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Beginning of September, my boyfriend of 1 yr. 8 months broke up with me. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Realizing that love is not enough. 9. What was your biggest failure? Loosing things that mean something to me. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had mono for 2 months. 11. What was the best thing you bought? My mp3 player, that doesn't work. 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Mine. Because I said. 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Aaron's. 14. Where did most of your money go? Clothes. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Moving out. 16. What song will always remind you of 2005? My humps. And Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Sadder, last year this time I was in love. ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner? iii. richer or poorer? Poorer. 18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Kissing 19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Crying 20. How will you be spending Christmas? Playing Video Games 21. Did you fall in love in 2005? No 22. How many one-night stands? 1 23. What was your favorite TV program? Family Guy 24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Yes 25. What was the best book you read? Nine Stories 26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Franz Ferdinand 27. What did you want and get? Dinner? Bought for me? Lots? 28. What was your favorite film of this year? Harry Potter 29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was 18, I went out with Aaron, and I had sub-par steak. 30. What is at least one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Romance. 31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? New York. 32. What kept you sane? Nothing. I'm crazy. 33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Benjamin McKenzie 34. What political issue stirred you the most? Bush's retardedness during Hurricane Katrina. 35. Who did you miss the most this year? Sam. Come home. 36. Who was the best new person you met? Jesse's roomate Jen. Rocks my socks. 37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: Eventually love wears off, so you best have shit in common...and we all have flaws. 2 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

*sigh* [22 Dec 2005|02:01pm] [ mood | pissed off ] Who would have known that someone I loved so much this time last year could say such hurtful things. For eveyrone's reading pleasure, a look at mediocrity: "I have nothing to say to you. i dont want to talk to you, i do not want to see you. i hate your family, i hate your friends, and i thought you would get the idea when i didnt respond to anything from you for a month. i do not want to know about your life, i want nothing to do with you.. i want you to leave me alone. i have a new life now and i want you to move on, just leave me alone. i wasnt good enough for you to make a priority in the first place, and now that you have no one to hang out with you want me to be by your side and its fucking bullshit. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE." And you know...I can't help but think he is right about me. All I wanted was to be a friend, but obviously I'm not even good enough for that. I think I have friends...but maybe I really don't. Myabe I'm fucking kidding myself. No, I'm better then this. I'm better than him. I'm going to take the chance to look at this Sociologically. He comes from a low class family with low class standards. For the rest of his life he will embody low class standards because that is the way he was raised. It is perfectly possible for someone born into a low class to change their class status if desired...but he doesn't want it enough. He will become frustrated, drop out of high school (or if even gets there) college. I'm not making myself feel any better. Fuck this, I'm going shopping. 2 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

Final Grades [19 Dec 2005|11:33pm] [ mood | giddy ] Well, finally...my final grade was posted. Going through these past couple days staring at my incomplete grades chart was killing me. I kept looking at my 3.64 knowing it would drop dramatically once my Sociology grade was posted but for some reason I still felt accomplished. Now, all accomplishment has drained from my body. I did, however, manage a B- in that class when i had believed it would be a C. But watching my GPA plummet...3.31. It hurt my heart. I feel rather crappy about myself now, but I guess that just means next semseter I can't be as lazy as I was this semester. In other news, I was on the news. Haha, that's funny. Yea, I was down at the Bus Station when this fight broke out between some hispanics and a black guy. The black guy ran inside and the hispanics cornered him. Then the security guards came running and the hispanics wnet running and jumped in their car. Then they ran over one of the security guards and the other one shot at them. It was so funny to watch, jeeze. But yea...That's that. I had to sit in the back of a cop car for 2 hours waiting for the detective that had to question me. Bah. Anyways...I hope everyone is having a good break! 2 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

I'm tearing up [08 Dec 2005|11:10pm] [ mood | distressed ] I look forward to a good cry, I really do, but this is the worst I've felt in a long time. Maybe because, for the first time in 2 years I am truly alone. I miss being held close by someone who cares about me. I miss having someone to call just to shoot the shit. I miss knowing that no matter what, there's someone out there thinking of me. Now there's nothing. There's a big empty space that should be filled with feelings and emotions of happiness and love. I feel alone, I feel cold, and I feel stupid. Stupid of all things. Bceause that's just what i am, a stupid naive girl convinced that one day I'll be happy. Confused as to why liking someone is not enough. Disturbed by my shift of life perception. And really unhappy because I'll have to mask this to everyone. I assume that one day i'll feel right again, but right now I don't. Right now I feel destructive. And right now I keep replaying the past in my head, saying, "I remember how happy I was in that very moment." 4 days and counting on no one calling. And the myspace message of the day: I just wanted to say what's up... Where in the world is Edgewood, NM? =) j/k I'm just visiting ABQ, but I think you seem like a really cool girl. I don't know how far ABQ is from Edgewood, but I think before I leave town on Sunday, we should hook up... I'm sure it'd be a blast so, let me know via message if you're interested, and if you are I can give you my ..... =) hope to hear from you soon. =) 2 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

For Everyone's Amusement [08 Dec 2005|12:42am] Everyday on myspace I get an average of 2 emails from people wanting me to 'holla back'. This, however, seemed to be a beauitful literary gem that i have to share with the rest of you: hiiiiiiiiiiiii Body: i just wanna let ya know that am interested in ya,am strongly attracted 2 ya. did u know, that u r a very beautiful woman? well if u ever wanna meet,i'll be honored 2 make ya aquentance.do u by chance 'yahoo'? :geodano1@yahoo.com: or spencergee@hotmail.com .i'am actually holding my breath,lol holla back if u think it isworth it. stay sweet! spencergee. And yes, that was indeed a male. The girls...man did I not expect the girls. One of them had on her interests "Smoking Pot". I emailed her back and said "Well it sure sounds like you like to have fun." If I wanted to meet people on the internet get a fucking personal. JEEZE. Seems like knowone calls me anymore. Maybe it is because nobody does. Let's see...I got a call from Mike today...returning my call. In fact, no one has called me all week to just, talk. Or hang out. Or, whatever. Meh. 7 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

Stitch it up [03 Dec 2005|12:17am] [ mood | numb ] My parents are arguing. They have never, in the whole entire time I have lived here, argued while sober. But here we are, on the eve of the longest both of them have ever been sober, and they are arguing. I suppose bailing someone out of jail for DWI does that to people, but its a weird experience. For once its not their horrible substance abuse causing the violence and screaming, but actual distaste for each other. It's weird. I'm afraid of where I will go from this point on. Aaron called, why he has timing ( i say timing as in, not bad, not good, but timing) I can never understand, but he wants to hang out tomorrow. In between my meeting and work, in a space that was filled no less than 2 days ago. This is going to be emotional suicide. I'm going to die, in the worst fashion ever. By seeing of ex for the first time in three weeks. This is the longest time I've ever gone without seeing him and in a way it depresses me. Deep down inside, where it should be. I'm glad I had this for the little time that I did so that I could know that now everything is different. I don't WANT to fix this, I don't WANT to accept his flaws, and I sure as hell don't want to deal with his shit. I want nothing more then his friendship. I desperatly need to become involved in something again or I will surely lose myself again to the depths of dependency and unhappiness. And even if I am lost, who is going to come and save me now? What happened to my superhero in the red cape who cried, "I'll save you!" and dove deep down to my inner-most thoughts and pulled out the real me for just a second and said, "what do you REALLY want?" and I said, "I want my art back." And here it is. My inspiration, my talents, and all the glitz and glam that come along with it (and by glitz and glam I mean lonliness and tears.) And here I am trying to memorize a monologue about a breakup. A FREAKIN breakup. Someone, define IRONY for me just REAL qwick because I'm sure you could rename me irony right now and it'd make a pretty close match to that damn definition. I'm done. I'm calm, just worried. What if I don't get a part? It's been so long I almost feel like I have no talent. It feels like everything is riding on this one thing, this 1.5 minutes of my life that could make or break my semseter of acting. I am so going to turn into some typical art student in college. All that's left is the dreadlocks. I felt the fall. I knew the second it happened. Welcome to the Tragic Kingdom. 3 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

[01 Dec 2005|06:15pm] Fucking Instincts Dirty, Little, Secret

Anxiety [30 Nov 2005|09:23pm] [ mood | scared ] I'm scared. I'm so scared right now and I don't know why. Every once in a while I have these little attacks of insecurity and fear. I don't like being alone. I hate it more than anything. I'm not independent. I can come to terms with that. I need people, and right now I feel like there are no people. I feel distanced and I don't know why. What did I do to make everyone run the opposite direction and not want to spend time with me? I feel like I'm worrying too much but i can't stop the worry. It won't stop until I have an actual conversation with someone. I just wish I knew what was going on underneath all the sequins. Maybe there is nothing, maybe I'm just being insecure. Somedays I think I could be the poster child for insecurity. Maybe this is a twisted form of karma. I don't know, but I have a few papers to write. Some days I need to be saved from the depths of myself more than others. 1 Witness The Fall||Dirty, Little, Secret

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